Something He Can Never Have
by Amujr
Summary: My musings on what Duo would do if Heero were to die. I wrote this while watching some episode of the series, and forgot about Endless Waltz, so...I admit this one isn't too likly, now. Oh, well. Enjoy.


Duo Maxwell shivered as he sank into the chair, his trembling hand holding a crumpled sheet of paper. He set it on the desk before him, his fingers smoothing the edges as he tried to return it to its original state. _Shinigami_, read the line at the top of the paper. His hands trembled as he read it again. And again.

_No more. I can't do it. Two years, Shinigami. I'm done. I... I love you. Heero._

As he read, Duo took a deep breath. Two days earlier, Heero had done it. He was gone, _snap_, just like that. Duo threw his head back and shouted obscenities at the ceiling. He leapt to his bare feet, the chair clattering across the empty room. He leaned on the desk, breathing heavily, biting his tongue as he tried to stop from crying. His face, his arms, his chest felt numb, as if they had fallen asleep. Only a slight tingle that meant no blood seemed to run through him any longer. On some level, he decided it was because his heart had been torn out of him.

_Shinigami..._

Duo shook his head. Heero's voice... He wanted to hear it again. If he had spoken up... if he had said something... Shaking his head with a firm snort, he stood, turning from the desk, the letter. He could have saved Heero. He knew it. But he was afraid...still afraid, and Heero was gone. _Shinigami_. His fault. It was all his fault, everything!

_Damn you, Sister! I needed you here, with me! Solo, Mama...mama..._

Even though Duo could now taste blood, he hadn't shed a tear. Not yet. He couldn't, he wouldn't. Heero's face drifted into his mind, and his body felt heavier. His legs quivered, and he clutched the desk, his head spinning as he fought to stay upright. He breathing shallow, he sinks to his knees, and then falls to his side, the tears running along his nose and down his cheek. His mind spun through the stars and the past as he lay on the cold, wooden floor.

Face from his past haunted him, chased him as he followed Heero. And still the voice called to him. _Shinigami..._

Duo tried to talk, to call out, to tell Heero how he felt. But his voice was silent, his words forever hidden from the boy who's heart Duo had taken, had shattered. Hot, briny tears rolled across Duo's face, and he tried to run, to hide from everyone he had killed. All those who were dead because he loved them. The God of Death was permitted no distractions, so Duo, Shinigami, could never hold someone he loved.

All of that ran through his head in only a moment, and he was on his feet, shouting at the ceiling again. "Take it from me! Take this curse off of me!" He looked down at his head, his hand clutching the golden cross on the end of his Rosary. With a strangled cry, he tore it from his neck and flung it across the room. "Give me a miracle! Show me, tell me, help me see. But don't take the only thing in my life that keeps me going!" His hand wrenched the white collar from his neck.

For a long moment, he held it, looking at it. As it fell from his opened fingers, he spun and hit the wall wit his fist, screaming out his rage in a wordless cry, a heart-rending lament for his fallen lover. Under his fist, the wall was cracked, bent inward from the force of the strike. He sank to his knees, his forehead pressed against the wood, his body shaking as he sobbed, his fists sitting against the wall, to weak to attack it again.

_Shinigami..._

Duo took a deep breath. Heero knew... he knew that loving Duo was loving Death. Duo was Death, and he never understood how powerful that responsibility really was, not before. He wasn't even sure if he had truly, honestly believed it, back then. "I don't want this," he choked, looking at the sky. "Take it, take it! Make all of it go away!" His voice was unsteady, but he had no control over it. "Give him back to me! Take this from me, and give me Heero back! Make someone else you damned Shinigami! I quit! I won't do it anymore. I can't."

He turned and sat, his back pressed against the wall. He grabbed his hair with both hands and bent his head, panting, gasping for air. "Find another," he whimpered, pulling on his long, brown locks. "Tell me you'll make this all go away," he continued. Pressing his face into his arms, he continues,"You'll make this all go away."

For a long time, he cried, holding his head and rocking, whispering his love's name again and again. "Heero, Oh God, please, Heero, come to me, be with me, Heero, come back...come back..."

Outside, the dark sky danced with clouds as the trees threw their shadows against the window, ignoring the young man who just wanted something he could never have.


End file.
